“It’s not easy to be, me…..”
*taking poetic license with the words to this song….. changing the sex of the singer….*
Superman…. (in part)
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
We weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between our knees
I’m only a girl in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a girl in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me
I’m only a girl
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a girl
Looking for a dream….
….It’s not easy to be me
Five for Fighting
I’m a recovering Anorexic… I have been in recovery for four years. Four years. You’d think that I’d be recovered already, wouldn’t you? And, indeed, to look at me… I guess I am. That’s GREAT, right? well… the brain, the reasonable part of me, says yeah… hell yeah, that’s great… but the ED* (eating disorder) part of me says,…. smaller, smaller, stop eating, starve…. cause that’s what he does… he taunts me…. so I know I still have those weaknesses, those triggers, if you will… you know? So I’m careful of them…. but I just don’t keep those pants around…. I just don’t keep those triggers near, cause I have a daughter to raise who’s almost my size (which is long, lithe, and lean), and I want HER to know and feel a beautiful sense of splendor that is her body…. because I have times that I KNOW how beautiful and sensual I am… and I want that for her…. I do! So ED has no place here, you see?
And I have another thing that’s eating at me…. I was recently diagnosed with Degenerative Joint Disease…. i have been suffering with long-time pain in my lumbar area…. and they found tears in lumbar discs 3,4,5…. not bad enough for surgery, thank goodness…. and they recommend physical therapy, core strengthening, which is their way of saying… “You’re out of shape, wench!”… well, I know that! The thing is… I know I’m a thin person, and for them to tell me I need core strengthening, well… that’s just my body talking to me…. you can’t put on ANY weight to throw off your body and it’s needs, without compensating for it somehow… that’s ok…. Because the one thing I DON”T want is to be a grandmother someday all hunched over like a camel, walking beside my children and grandchildren… that’s NOT how I see myself… I’ve always carried my 5′7″ body tall and proud… and I don’t intend to end up that way… I don’t know how much is reversible, but I can tell you…. I will be taking my Oscal-500 +D tablets twice a day, and exercising three times a week, and eating (more) correctly in the future….
all those who WANT to die from anorexia… knock yourselves out… it was never “about that” for me… I just wanted to be thin… well, although my mirror says differently…. I know in my brain, I AM thin…. I just have to remind myself of that…. over and over and over…. and being alive and healthy is more important, right? It was about the beauty of thinness… not the death of it, for me…
I know what the ugliness of anorexia looks like… I’ve seen it close up… it’s not pretty….
let me explain to you what it looks like… i have a dear friend who’s misguided I think… I think she believes that she’ll just lay over on her side one day and stop breathing…. well, that’s not how it is….
your hair on your head falls out…. but you grow hair on your body to keep you warm… much like an overdue infant… it’s called lanugo….
sometimes you lose your teeth. your breath is atrocious… it’s because your body is “eating” it’self from the inside out, because you won’t feed it. It’s in total starvation mode. your skin gets dry and brittle…. your eyes sink in their sockets from dehydration… your brain shrinks and you’re not able to think…. your fingernails separate from your fingers…. your bones jut all over your body… it hurts to stand, and you nearly pass out every time you do…. you can no longer eat, even if you wanted to, you can’t stand, you can’t sit, you can’t lay down, without hurting… your life has gone out of your eyes… you are walking death
NO ONE… wants to look at you, for fear they’ll see death coming for them!
get OUT of death’s doorway while you still can.
Because I’m not waiting around to watch you die.
….”Carries On”….
she dreamed of death
like an angel dying
like it was a creampuff death
without even trying
but when it came to that
it was harder than she thought
it was rocks on salt
it couldn’t be bought
her hair fell out
of her head, she was gross
and her skin was furry like an animal
like most
her bones protruded
her skin hung down
no one could look her in the eyes
about town
she hurt down deep
in the soles of her feet
and she couldn’t…. no matter how hard she tried…
eat
she thought it would make her whole
to be so small
but she wasn’t saved at all
she wasn’t saved at all
she was dying a death
inside herself
long before she was
put on a shelf
and the pounds that she lost
were her soul, I swear
the pounds that she lost
were going nowhere
and her soul drifted up
long before she did
so that her eyes were lost
behind the lids
and no one was home
in her body at all
no one was home
to call
so they mostly just let her die
in her house where she lay
‘cept her one true friend she had
who’d visit each day
in her mind where they leapt
and that’s where they played
but she had not the energy
to do it today
she had not the energy
to do it today
and tomorrow the news
will show a picture of her
the way that she looked
when life was a blur
when things went so fast
around her each day
when she had the energy
to play
when she had the energy to play
and as she looks at the paper
from up where she sits
a lone tear will fall
for that’s all she gets
and she’s sad
that she didn’t know how beautiful she was
and she threw it away
just because?
she threw it away, just because….
she wanted to be thin,
so she melted clear away
but it doesn’t seem so clear
today
it doesn’t seem so clear
today….
and so she waves goodbye
to her friend from above
where she looks down upon her
with love,
with love
and she wishes they could walk
hand in hand, just once more
but she gave in to ED*
she’s his whore…
but no more…
and her friend, now with tears
in her eyes, for her loss
knows she’s lost her true friend
cause of ED*,
and the cost?
she tips her head up to the sky
knows she’s gone
waves goodbye, wonders why….
carries on…..
carries on….
*tears*
©Cat Ginn ‘08
ED*= Eating Disorder
Filed under: Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Health, Recovery, River Oaks Hospital, adult anorexia, anorexia, anorexia recovery, depression, humor, life problems, love and laughter, mental health, personal, poetry, psychology, rant, self-esteem | Tagged: adult anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, anorexia recovery, Bulimia, death, eating disorder, friends, hurt, laughter, life, love, pain, teeth
UM
C/feline9
AC/badkitty
d
wow, what a wakeup call. i think i needed to hear all that.
Hi Jena-good to “meet” you.
she was dying a death
inside herself
long before she was
put on a shelf
and the pounds that she lost
were her soul, I swear
the pounds that she lost
were going nowhere
and her soul drifted up
long before she did
so that her eyes were lost
behind the lids
and no one was home
in her body at all
no one was home
to call
so they mostly just let her die
in her house where she lay
‘cept her one true friend she had
who’d visit each day
Damn you for makin’ me cry.
I don’t do that very much.
Try not to anyway.
Best one so far Cat.
*I didn’t say “ever” cause I know you’ll write more*
Beautiful …..simply beautiful.
OMG! I’m almost crying and I’m not a crier.
Ok….may I lighten the mood just a tad? Not to take away from that amazing CG work. Just to make you guys have a little giggle.
I shouldn’t post this. I might regret it. But, wadafug?
My cleaning lady bought me 2 “funny ciggies”…what C and I might call “porch smokers” “wink wink”
I went to meet her to get them. I’m back in my car on my way home feeling a little saucier and soooo bad. I happen to look up and what’s in UM’s rear view mirror? lights
Holy crapola! I had not had any “silly ciggies” for a long time and I immediately pictured myself being busted, hauled off to the slammer, and having to call my husband or kids.
My mind was racing with made-up excuses and explanations.
Here he COMES…cute, youngish cop but NOT SMILING.
“So, what did I do, SIR?” Oh lordy, I just knew he was gonna tell me that I was busted for drugs.
“You ran a red light and you were on your cellphone”, he said.
I damn near peed my pants in relief.
I got a warning ticket.
GOD IS GOOD!
*bows at UM’s feet* you got the “funny ciggies*, I got the time… cause I am OUT… O-U-T…
Glad you didn’t get busted… next time… STOP at the red lights, goofball! Escecially when “carrying” *slaps forehead with relief*
back to the thread already in progress…..
((((Jena)))), I’m glad I said the things you needed to hear… sad that you needed to hear them…. Hopeful that you might get the help you need…. please… drop me a note if you’d like to talk…. I’m working on a book with d and Hope… hopeful it will help many people along the way… *crosses fingers*….
and (((((d))))))), thanks man… I knew that these words might touch you…. was hopeful they would… and (((((UM))))), you might print out this poem and show it to M, she might see herself in there somewhere… or I might just send it to her…. let me know if that’s ok, you think? Trying to touch lives here…
I love you guys…. (((((bpchicks))))))
and please… pass it on to those you think might get something out of the words here…. that’s the whole point…
(((((Hope?))))) where are ya? *heartsya*
I just got here and yes, crying again at the naked truth (bad choices of words, or maybe not) I hear you loud and clear. Guess what my t. told me today as I stepped of the scale…..: so, what are you trying to proof?” *sigh* We had a good and honest session though and I owe you for that too. :insert heart smiley here:
((((((C))))))
an important question… what ARE you trying to prove? AND…. more importantly… are the people you’re MOST trying to impress… impressed? are they even listening? watching? cause if they’re not… you’re barking up the wrong tree… wasting your breath. ((((Hope))))
good points, C
I was watching a BBC program last nite on anorexia. One of the girls said that as long as she had her ED, she didn’t have to feel anything. But, another girl said, “Hunger is a feeling.”
I’m wondering what y’all think about that?
Good question….what am I trying to prove? Perhaps I am trying to prove that despite me feeling so negative about myself, I can control the image I want the world to see………fragile and full of pain. Perhaps I want that attention, people looking after me, getting attention that way, approval from my parents, waiting for them to pick me up and comfort me *sigh* They are not impressed, nobody is. Those who listen are the ones that tell me the truth and see right through the body image and the numbers………they know it is not about that. It is wanting to be perfect, in control and in the end being neither. Just miserable and wasting my life away, for those who I still want to impress, can’t even look me in the eyes.
I have to let go of the picture perfect, be me, healthy and within a normal range (weight wise) I am not a big person, I am not built that way. I am not allowing myself to be me, scared to loose all those who do care about me, even though I know they won’t turn their back on me, I don’t need to impress them ( I don’t think I am trying) it is the image of me in the mirror I need to love, why can’t I? Why can others see it and I can’t. I have built a wall so high I cannot even reach the lowest goals.
I don’t know where I was going with this…….the proving, impressing………I wish I could just prove I can be happy despite the obstacles on my path.
Hunger is not a feeling, it is a way to avoid the inner pain. To block feelings out, be numb and ‘feel’ in control when you are really not.
Hunger is the way your body will tell you it needs nourishment, unfortunately I think a lot of people with an eating disorder will learn to ignore these signs.
I don’t ‘feel’ hungry, I hardly ever feel hungry…….I eat because I have too (or at least that is what I am trying to do)
is there an echo in here?
why?
does it sound familiar? If it does…….it means I was listening (((((C))))) :heartsya:
Here I was gonna say it is. It is a horrible feeling, one that hurts, or aches-but one that goes away if you ignore it. Hunger has many meanings; and I think ignoring all of them applies.
I mean really, from at least my life experience-giving in to any type only ended up being worse in the end.
I agree with you D that if you ignore it long enough it will go away, therefor perhaps I would say there are two types of hunger…….one type is a person craving for something, or eating because dinner is ready………and the type where your body is actually showing signs of needing food (light headed, headache, stomach making noises etc)
I guess one can say they are hungry, but you can’t say I feel hunger……perhaps that is where I get confused.
(((((D))))))
hunger maybe be a by product, but fat is not a feeling.
this discussion is interesting. i probably ‘have’ some type of ED. i’ve never said that before.
sometimes i eat a lot of crap at night. nothing you could call ‘dinner’. lately i’ve been doing that and i don’t really know why. it’s like it comes and goes. so i think i can control it. i don’t really have a problem. i start eating better. i don’t buy crap. i eat better. i try to make balanced meals. maybe i start restricting too much…. or i imagine i’m going to lose weight. maybe i lose 20 pounds. but before too long i find myself eating crap again. while i’m on the eating crap cycle i’m ‘allowed’ to buy crap. when i’m on the not eating crap cycle i’m not ‘allowed’ to buy crap, or carefully rationed.
i’m out of control. i cannot seem to keep things how i’d like them to be for more than a few weeks. my apt gets messy. the laundry needs to be done. work piles up. i feel so disorganized.
it’s like i can only focus on one thing at a time. while i do, that thing’s ok - whether it’s exercise or work or nutrition or finances or whatever. but then the other things fall apart. what’s with that?
this is starting to ramble. sorry.
i’m ‘diagnosed’ bp 1. don’t know if that has anything to do with anything.
hunger is physical. so i think you can say i feel hungry, i feel pain, because you feel it in your body. but those are not emotions. but emotions are felt in your body too - i think that’s why it gets confusing. maybe hunger and pain are physical sensations that can be used to ‘override’ or distract the mind/body from feeling emotions.
i don’t know what i’m trying to prove. i think strange thoughts. i know i’m fat according to the guidelines etc. but to a degree i’m still in denial. then i think it’d be nice to lose weight and buy clothes in normal stores and look better and be healthier…. BUT i don’t want anyone commenting on my weight or weight loss. i think this is strange compared to other people i know. most people take it as a compliment if someone says you’ve lost weight. but i get uncomfortable. and my weight does fluctuate anyway when i go on and off the antipsychotics. it’s like i wish i could lose weight but have noone notice.
ramble ramble ramble
it was good to get some thought out, thanks
WElcome to the website, darvia. I was JUST about to say how you sound like you have a mood disorder when you told me you were bp 1. so at least that has been diagnosed. Yes, mania, and depression can surely affect your eating habits, causing you to fast and binge back and forth depending on whether you’re in manic or depressive modes…. sounds more like a bingeing/purging (without throwing up)… (did you know you could purge without ever having vomited?) thing you have going on… there are other choices in eating disorders other than just builiemia or anorexia, or overeating… there’s EDNOS (Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Diagnosed), among other things… you’ve definitely got some “disordered eating “issues”" going on here… you might try to talk to a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders… just to see what he/she thinks… If you truly thought you could handle it yourself, i doubt you’d be here looking for answers… but… there ARE those who CAN and DO… I suggest you look for support groups or forums that do NOT trigger, for support… at the VERY least.
You’re in good hands here also…
We welcome you with open arms.
(((((darvia))))). please. seek help.
Cat
hi Cat! wow i can’t believe someone replied already! this is crazy….
yeah i came here through looking at bp stuff and then read a couple ed posts…. i guess i feel like i have too many ‘issues’ right now i don’t know where to start, and the eating doesn’t seem like the biggest problem
i am trying to access some kind of counselling… that doesn’t cost too much because of manic debts
i found what you said quite interesting and also surprised that you thought i had a mood disorder just by what i wrote! so i still don’t get - what eating habits are associated with which mood???
when i was quite depressed for a while i had quite a lot of trouble making myself eat… and sometimes when i’m manic i forget to eat, i think
anyway this is a very interesting concept. i guess it makes sense if i am using food to deal with emotions then mood changes affect eating habits
i guess the overeating is probably a ‘coping mechanism’ that i’m not ready to let go of — and when my eating gets better is probably when i’m less stressed, or something
thanks for your support
darvia
never a truer word spoken, darvia…
“when i was quite depressed for a while i had quite a lot of trouble making myself eat… and sometimes when i’m manic i forget to eat, i think
anyway this is a very interesting concept. i guess it makes sense if i am using food to deal with emotions then mood changes affect eating habits
i guess the overeating is probably a ‘coping mechanism’ that i’m not ready to let go of — and when my eating gets better is probably when i’m less stressed, or something”
wow… you nailed it on the head, darvia!
you said it! I know how it is it overspend and undereat when manic, that’s for sure… and how about sex? oversexed, that’s for sure… (even if it’s only with yourself! LOLOL… ) Mania is a wonderful, beautiful, horrible, nasty thing…. and I miss it every day it’s not here… but boy, can it kill you! make sure you see your pdoc and get your meds straightened out… stabilizers can save your/someone else’s life! ROFLMAO.
and as for your depressive side… it’s just as important. but it’s usually the manic side that will get you in the end. Ask UM, she knows. She loves mania… but it gets her every time.
And… see someone about your eating… moods and eating have ALWAYS entertwined… always and ever have it been that the two… emotions and moods, have piggy-backed each other… and you owe it to yourself to check yourself out… and see how you can stabilize that within yourself also.
Keep coming here and we’ll keep supporting you, Darvia! As we say… Keep “Facing Your PANTS!”
Cat
Hi guys.
You said it..well both of you did. Too busy to eat or as another f…armer put it somewhere else, “food as friend” can be a problem as well.
Just poppin in to say hello and welcome Darvia!
Now I’m gonna go…face my ‘boxers’ I need to get my butt in gear it’s almost noon and guess who is still in sleepin stuff.
u people r awesome! makes me realize i SHOULD talk about this eating stuff in counselling….
if i can get up the guts, to speak, not just type
mania scares me. i’ve gone up so quickly to psychotic that it wasn’t enjoyable. i don’t like believing things that aren’t true. or spending thousands on junk. i’ve even bought expensive ‘thin’ clothes believing i was going to lose the weight soon… spending the money doesn’t bother me because i imagine i’m about to get a promotion - hahaha fat chance
and yes the sex thing… sometimes fun but sometimes embarassing when i start imaging that guys are attracted to me - i’ve lost some good friends that way
it’s nice having energy for sure i just wish i could stay in reality
well i think i might actually go to the gym this morning! here’s to hoping i won’t go full-blown manic this summer - hypomania i wouldn’t mind…
happy wknd
darv
Hi Darvia,
Welcome to this site. I am glad you are able to see some of you in the posts here and realize that it is okay to talk about being BP, having disordered eating. It is also very very okay to get some help
I hope you have a nice weekend too
Hope
Darvia,
It’s also ok to print this out and TAKE IT to a counselor… let your words speak for you…. ok? there’s no shame in that if you can’t get the words out of you… get your words out of here and let them talk for you.
((((((big hugs))))))
Cat
Hi Darvia….
YOU are one of the biggest reasons for this blog. First, it’s an outlet for us to talk. But, it’s, also, important that we know that we’ve reached out to someone and maybe helped if only a tiny bit. You are not alone. Do come back often. We’re kinda like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates….you never know what you’re gonna get.
thanks for all the support. good idea to print out some of this or my journal, thanks!
you’re welcome, darvia… I print off my journal, and this blog quite often for my therapist…. she keeps it… reminds me what i said…. Hey… somebody has to do it. LOL