A picture is worth a thousand words. This video is worth 100 times that. This is how I feel sometimes when I’m really manic and irritable. I think the next time a telemarketer calls me , I’m gonna do this whole bit that this woman is doing.
I needed a good laugh and figure you guys could use one, too. So, here goes…….
My SIL is a drug rep (but I love him anyway). Today, there were landscapers at his home doing some work. SIL was getting ready to grill out when one of the landscaping guys came over and started to talk to him. The subject turned to grilling and fire. The landscaper was telling a story about how he singed his eyebrows a week or so ago. My macho SIL started bragging about how he never had any type of accident while grilling when……..
WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH!!!!!!!!
The flame that he had just lit shot up several feet high, blowing the aluminum foil that he had so carefully laid up to the sky. And, his hair caught on fire. Being in sales, he takes special care with hair and stuff. He uses lots of products on his hair which cause the flame to get really big really fast. He ran thru the house (leaving an open-mouthed landscaper behind) hollering that his hair was on fire. He went straight to the bathroom and doused his head with water. My daughter said that she was laughing her ass off because SIL has given her a hard time on the couple of occasions that she singed her hair while grilling. She said that he was brushing his hair with his hand and burnt pieces of hair were falling off in the sink. Meanwhile, he was shouting at her, “It’s not funny. I make my living with how I look!” Which is not totally true since we know drug reps make their livings with bribes. Then she started calling him “Captain Crunch-hair”.
When he ran off to pout, she went to clean the bathroom sink where she said burnt hair was all over. She snuck and called me because he would have been totally pissed if he knew that she had told anyone. She knows that I can’t keep something like this to myself.
Men can be sooooo damn funny sometimes!
I don’t know why I try. I guess every once in awhile, I have a fantasy that there are some out of the box thinkers that will come up with something new.
First: find a cause…then find a cure; or at least a real treatment.
So I thought I’d take a look at what was coming out of the American Psychiatric Association’s 2007 Annual Meeting.
Tranquilizing a manic person improves their mania rating score.
Are these people actually paid to think?
First off….this “study” qualified you as acutely manic with a YMRS of 20.
When I used to do the mania self assessments and my scores would fall below 25…I knew it was time to access my depression score….depression has a way of sneaking up on me sometimes…one day, I’m just bored and before I know it, I’ve taken up residence in Bathrobe-City. (ahhh longing for the days of scoring in the 70’s….remember those?) Good times…lots of laughs…on fire we get…at least in our world we’re damn funny……
Next, (I don’t think they meant for their study to be funny; but the comic value is priceless) they list their “secret attack method” in the study drug…. (asenapine).
” it has high affinity for serotonin, alpha-adrenergic, and dopamine D1 and D2 receptors,”
…and their point is what? I don’t see any new, original or out of the box thinking there.
Same old shit, different name…and where is the science to prove those need to be messed with in bipolars in the first place?
It gets better… they compare it to Zyprexa, the “DRUG TO BEAT”
…and what exactly are they trying to “top” there? Now that’s a truly frightening thought.
“because it’s the drug to beat” for this indication, said co-author John Panagides, Ph.D., of Organon International, the maker of asenapine”
What a fucktard. He needs to take some for a few months and then get back with us on how great it is.
The researchers found that at day 21, both asenapine and olanzapine produced significantly greater improvement than placebo in the Young Mania Rating Scale total score, with a mean decline of 10.8 points for asenapine, and 12.6 for olanzapine, compared with a 5.5 point drop for placebo
Holy crap…If I started at say, 22 and was at a 12 or so….I think I’d first check my pulse. Seriously, I think a 12 qualifies me as drooling in the corner in a stupor; and when I’d finally be able to form a thought, that thought would be wishing I were dead…quality of life on these meds….what life?
They’re going to have to spin this next part….it will be good entertainment to watch: 
In the safety and tolerability analysis, the overall incidence of treatment-related adverse events was 60.8% for asenapine, vs. 52.9% for olanzapine
oooops…rut-roh-rogi
.…sedation (18.6% for both drugs), dizziness, dry mouth, somnolence/fatigue, and headache. In the asenapine group, 3.1% of patients had weight gain {in three weeks? am I reading that correctly?} (amount not specified), compared with 6.9% of patients in the olanzapine group. Only 1% in the placebo group experienced weight gain.
Risk for extrapyramidal symptoms was comparable for the two drug groups (7.2% in the asenapine group, 7.9% in the olanzapine group, and 2.9% in the placebo group.)
So what did I get tonight for hoping? Pissed off is what I got.
Me-“Got anything new for depression or to level out the mood-swings?”
Convention guys-”No, but we have more ways to stone you out of your gourd so we can say we’ve cured mania.”
What a bunch of back slapping waste of spacers they are.
I hope they all have a good time.
I just wish they’d quit wasting ours with the same old shit.
~d
Pdoc appt. today. Actually, it’s with the green-behind-the-ears PA. She’s a sweet kid. I think she’s in over her head. The pdoc has practically turned over most of his patients to her. He’s busy high-profiling elsewhere. I’ve said this before but will repeat it. He looks like an Indian Mo…..of 3 Stooges. He has put that girl in a serious situation. She is fresh out of PA school and has been thrown into a den of hungry, psycho lions. I’m not saying that I’m smarter than her. I am saying that I have a lot more experience with mental disorders and have seen just about everything. There is a large amount of patients there who could be trouble for her. Patients who have been misdiagnosed. Especially teenagers who think that it’s “COOL” these days to have a BP lable. I’d like to smack their asses and send them to a corner with a book on BP. Then, she will have the ones with the “poor little me” attitude. You know, the ones who are always talking about their “nervous breakdowns”.
I try to make it easy for her. I don’t patronize her but I do lay it out on the table what I think I need in the way of med treatment. Actually, she seems somewhat relieved. Maybe, it’s because I have 2 daughters and put out a motherly vibe. I’ve had to be a hardass bitch on occasion with some other pdocs or PA’s. But, that was only because they were trying to push the latest, greatest pill down my throat and I knew that it would do more harm than good. And, this is not because I am sooooo smart. It’s because I do my homework.
I remember when I had Lithium pushed on me. It was at a time when I was emotionally very weak and had great distress in my life. I had had it with being married to my husband. I had kicked him out and was trying to pick up the pieces of my life. But, following a long pattern of being easily convinced that I am the one in the wrong, I let him come back home. There was a lot of things going on and I was just plain ol’ beaten down. I caved and went to a new pdoc who gave me Lithium. Lithium would probably make a good chemical weapon of war. I became a total slow-moving, fat slug. I finally got the balls to march into the office and tell him to stick the Lithium up his ass. We got into quite an argument. His parting words were, “You’ll be back begging for the Lithium.” My parting words were “When Hell freezes over.” Never went back to him again. Not like I could anyway……..after that overly dramatic B movie drama queen exit. That was OK, though since I didn’t like him at all. What is it with these guys? Is there authority threatened when a patient refuses something? Do they lose a few bucks or a free lunch from the pharma co. ? It’s hard for me to believe that they actually believe that they know more about how a patient is affected my meds than the patient does.
Well, there’s my rant for today.
Off to the shower and then to the pdoc. Well, actually to his designated lackey.
I don’t wanna go………………….
giving up, giving in, throwing in the towel, crying uncle………..
I’ve waged constant battles with taking psych meds. I simply, do not want them in my body. I do not want to feel like a zombie who is putting on pounds by the minute. I don’t want my feelings numbed and non-existant. I don’t want the Hellbutrin jitters.And, I sure don’t want God knows what in side my brain to be permanently screwed up.
But, I also know when my emotions are becoming erractic. Topsy-turvy. Unpredictable. Downright scary. And, they are at that point right now. I have felt and showed enoughrange of emotions in the last few weeks to either win an Academy award or qualify for my own little cubicle at the local looney bin.
I feel great sadness welling up without warning. The kind that makes you wonder what is the use….of anything? No point to life if it’s all black and cold. This is usually accompanied by a feeling of doom and a lot of weeping and gnashing of my teeth. This soon turns into a high level of agitation. I feel every nerve in my body screaming, burning, and tightening up so bad that I expect at anytime to be permanently shrunken by their recoil. I want to scream. And, actually, yesterday, I did. I scremed and raged at God. I begged Him for relief. Then, I begged just for an end to it all. This is playing real havoc on my body physically. I do go to sleep at nite but awakened with sore arms and legs. It’s as if I’ve been fighting during the night. Real pain. Not imaginary. I wake up with no expectations, no willingness to do anything, and a complete abscense of peace or joy.
And, I don’t like this. I cannot continue to live like this. There are only two ways out. For now, I’ll take the most reasonable one. I started back on AD’s today. I have Zoloft and Effexor on hand. I chose the Effexor. I , also, have some Lamictal. But, Lamictal leaves me hungover for hours in the morning. I’ve tried taking it earlier in the evening but still have that sleepiness until around noon.
This morning, I started thinking about renting a car and just leaving. Just driving somewhere, anywhere. But, what good would that really do. Unless, I can leave my brain behind, I’m still fucked. And this is just so damn unfair! I get really angry sometimes about being bipolar. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!! And, then the constant striving to act normal, appear normal is becoming too fucking hard! I do not want my daughters to have a mother who is scary……either sleeping, unable to concentrate, or plain old unable to fill the roll as their mother.
I have a podc appt on Thursday. Actually, it’s with the Phys Assit. She is so young and so inexperienced. I’m fairly sure that I can talk her into most anything. BUT WHAT? Every med option has a unwanted side effect. So, now what? Here’s where I make an admission that’s hard. I love BENZOs. I do. Benzos make you really not give much of a shit about anything. Benzos send you to a nice place.Benzos bring the calmness to my head that I desperately need. However, I know how addictive benzos are. I’ve been there. I’ve had to constantly fight the craving for benzos. Plus, they do long term damage if you take them on a regular basis for an extended length of time. A lot of people don’t realize that benzos have a long life and stay in your brain long after you take them. This is true of regular users. I doubt that is true if a person takes one now and again.
What a need is a small dose (or maybe a huge-ass dose) of mania. I researched ways to today to induce mania. Yes, mania has lots of baggage with it. But, in all seriousness, I would give almost anything to be manic over this shitroll of emotions that I’ve been having lately. I MISS MANIA! I do. I really do. At least, I feel when I’m manic. At least, I look forward to the morning. And, I actually get things done. I MISS MY FUCKING MANIA!!!! But, I honestly would settle for just getting rid of this damn lingering depression and frequent agitation.
I’m feeling like a real loser tonight. I’ve been on here championing the cause of de-drugging and now, I’m being somewhat hypocritic. It’s either suck it up and pop the pills or……………I just don’t know what the “or” would be.
Laughter is the music of the heart. And, there is no music for me right now.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. HELP!
I was singing along with Amy Lee from Evanescence today… when a girlfriend of my daughters said… what does it mean? I said… she’s depressed… she’s asking god to “Lift Thee Up, dont’ want to lock me up inside….” , etc… etc…,
she said… oh… cause the NAME of the song is “Lithium”, I thought it was some girl’s name or something like that…. “… I said, “No… are you sure it’s called, “Lithium? L-I-T-H-I-U-M”?
“Yeah”, she said… “why? What does it mean?
and I told her that lithium was an approved bipolar disorder medication… approved to effectively (snarf snarf), treat bipolar disorder…. one of the few that had been approved specifically FOR that disorder, though many have been being used for many years.
and there’s a SONG about it?
apparently there is!
Lithium, by Evanescence (Amy Lee, lead vocals… by the way… it’s a beautiful song… hauntingly so.)
Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without…
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
Come to bed, don’t make me sleep alone.
Couldn’t hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn’t drink enough to say you love me.
I can’t hold on to me,
Wonder what’s wrong with me.
Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without…
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Don’t want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can’t break free until I let it go.
Let me go.
Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
I can’t hold on to me,
Wonder what’s wrong with me.
Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without…
Lithium, …stay in love with my sorrow.
I’m gonna let it go.
~Evanescence
check it out if you haven’t heard it… it’s on “The Open Door” album, by Evanescence. It’s WORTH a listen… it’s a beautiful song.
(and no, I don’t take, nor have I EVER taken, Lithium for MY bipolar disorder) *insert smug little smiley bitch here* for those thinking I might be promoting Lithium, when in fact, it would be my LAST choice for mood control, as I think it causes Parkinson’s disease on most everyone who’s ever taken large doses of it for extended periods of time) *nudge*
I DO however, promote being in touch with your body enough to know when, and/or IF it needs medications to remain, or to GET stable and stay that way. Each person is different, each person the same… in that, WE are the final soothsayers of our bodies…. WE decide… and when we STOP being able to decide for said self…. we are no longer effective here…. move along… move along… nothing to see here…. *wink*
Well, D……..I figure it’s time for another poontang post. I wrote this in my other blog but figured you girls would get a bigger kick out of it. So, here it is………and it’s all completely true. But poontang has been taken out of our search terms so it will prove interesting to see how much it gets read.
I like to learn something new everyday. And, I usually do see, read, or hear something that I didn’t know everyday.
What I heard yesterday, though, was the bombdiggity of some of the best kept secret knowledge ever.
Isolation, condemnation, determination, (no) sensation, aggravation, , medication, and last but certainly not least…..desperation.
Isolation….. Read more…
It never ceases to amaze me………the many misconceptions and abundance of misinformation about bipolar disorder.
I was looking for something a little while ago and came across a very small site that someone has started about depression and bipolar disorder. I really couldn’t tell if one or several people had contributed to it. So, I cannot give credit to the person who wrote the following. Maybe, if by chance, they come upon this blog, they will identify themselves. I do like to give other people credit due to them. Anyway, here is a list of things that non-bipolar people around us say (and I know that you have heard at least one of them in your own life):
“Have you been eating well?”
“Maybe if you got some excercise…”
“When the whole world is giving you a green light, and telling you that you can have a good time, you should just go for it!”
“I know exactly how you feel. I got depressed once, too.” (e.g. ages ago, for two weeks, after my mother died…)
“Just pull yourself up by the bootstraps.” (whahuh?)
“Well I don’t have the luxury of being able to be depressed.” (creative)
“You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.” (no comment)
“Look at how much better you have it than some people.”
“You just need to __.” (go back to school, go back to work, get a new job, quit your job, get out and date new people, go back to your old boy/girl-friend or spouse, and so on, and so on….)
“At least you’re not really sick.” (I think that means physically ill.)
Just reading these makes me want to cringe. It’s OK to say these to a bipolar or depressed person? How ’bout if you go back and read them with another physical illness in mind…..like diabetes or thyroid disease, etc. Non-BP’s would say, “Well, that’s not the same things.” And, I’m here to tell you that it is.
Just wanted to do a short rant about misconceptions. This pisses me off and I will be back later to write more about it.
The more things change, the more they stay insane. …..I love this quote. I had almost forgotten it until I saw it on this web page.
Q: “How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?”
A: “Why are you trying to kill me?!”
Yep, I’m still livng in a bad made-for-tv dramedy.
And, I was gonna write this stuff in my other blog, but thought you guys would more appreciate the special kind of crazy that has been happening.
II’ve had a lot of problems lately with allergies. Anybody who has this problem knows that it involves a lot of snot drainage which in turn causes fits of coughing especially at night. That happened to me last night.. I bought some Ziacam cough syrup in a spray form that works pretty well. I’ve used it several times for those middle of the nite cough fits that keep you awake. So, last nite when the aggravating drainage caused a fit of coughing, I got up out of bed and went in the bathroom to grab the Ziacam. Didn’t turn the lights on. Crap, I was only about 1/3 awake. When I use the Ziacam, I open up my mouth really wide and put the spray as close to the back of my throat as possible. Then, I spray three times. So, I did that last nite. Except, I had not picked up the Ziacam. I had picked up some eye glasses lense cleaner. Now, I did not realize this unitl after I had sprayed it….one….two…..three times down the back of my throat. OMG! It was horrible. I immediately started wondering if I had poisoned myself or at the least, caused myself to get sick to my stomach. I thought that maybe, I had better find some Syrup of Ipecac or at least each some bread to absorb the stuff. But, I was so friggin’ tired, I just went and fell back in the bed. Just layed there thinking I’d find out the effects soon enough. Not something that I ever want to do again.
My crack-head sister in law has started calling me again. I hadn’t heard from her for a while and was feeling quite relieved. She loves drama in her life. Seriously. Always some kind of Jerry Springer stuff going on with her. Yesterday, she called to tell me that her ex-husband came and stole her trash can. This may or may not be true. She claims that she was out at midnight last nite trying to find it and ran into a deer (literally ran into a deer) in the woods behind her house. I’ll write more about all that later because it would take me a while and I’m gonna go to bed soon. I will say this…..she is 50years old and wears clothes that teenagers wore in the 80’s. She has long hair and pulls it over to one side in the back with big-ass butterfly clips. Do y’all remember those big ol clips? And, she pulls her shirts to one side and knots them just like my kids did when they were in grade school. So, here we go……..
This morning, my mother in law was being presented a special award at her church for service. It was a surprise and the whole family was invited and we all went. L…my SIL showed up in a Debbie Gibson looking outfit with a Miss Kitty, the Saloon Girl hairdo and pink, high-heels…..very high heels. After church was over, we all decided to go to a local Italian restaurant to eat. There were about 20 of us.
This is off the sister in law subject but I have to tell you one little detail about church. There was a “special needs” (not suppose to say “slow”) needs man sitting in front of me. He apparently had me confused with someone else. He turned around and motioned for me to come up and sit down beside him. Being that it was church and all and he was “special”, I went. He grabbed my arm and started telling me that he was going to sing a song for me at the church service that nite. I told him that I didn’t go to church there but he couldn’t seem to accept that. He insisted on knowing what my favorite song was so he could sing it. I just started naming hymns hoping I would hit one that he was wanting me to say. I went thru about 12 titles and still had not named the right one. I started feeling like I was on a Mind of Menica skit or something. Finally, he said that he knew that I loved the song, Precious Memories so he was gonna sing it. Actually, I do like that song because it reminds me of my mom. So, I told him that would be great. He kpet holding my arm and telling me that I had better come to the nite service. Also, he was wearing a Sponge Bob tie. I finally broke away. I actually felt kinda bad that I didn’t go hear him sing. But, then I reminded myself that he was confusing me with someone else and hopefully, he found somebody else to confuse me with tonight.
Back to dinner……
We got to the restaurant about 12:20 and didn’t get served until around 2:15. L, my SIL, came in late and took the only seat that was left….right beside my really nice son-in-law. My son-in-law looks a lot like Jeff Gordon. He gets that comment from people all the time. L, the SIL, always calls him, Jeff Gordon. He is also a drug rep. Now, ya gotta pic my SIL dressed like a street-walker Debbie Gibson, carrying a purse full of pill bottles. She does like her drugs…..that’s an understatement actually. During dinner, she constantly kept up a rambling, somewhat incoherent conversation with F. Later, he told me some of the stuff she was saying. Stuff like…….what kind of drugs are you selling now? Comments like “I just love you, Jeff Gordon”. We have come to the conclusion that she doesn’t remember his real name. Then, she started in on him trying to talk him into taking her on vacation to the Florida Keys where he and my daughter are going in June. She started running down the days she wouldn’t be available……one day, a gyno appt, one day, a regular doc appt, one day a pdoc appt, etc. Poor guy, I was starting to feel bad for him……but was still laughing. And, today, also happened to be her birthday. So, dear daughter ask her how old she was. It was liked she channelled Sally O’Mally, the character that Molly Shannon played on SNL. She said, “I’M FIFTY!”. Under her breath, my daughter said, “And I can kick, punch, and kick”! I swear L seriously did sound like Sally with her gruff cigarette voice So, we were trying to just get thru the dinner without an incident. THEN, she did this really wierd thing. She called out my older daughter’s name. My daughter turned to look at her and L made a big to-do about blowing her a kiss. THEN, she went around the whole table, calling out each name individually and making a big “blowing a kiss” at everyone. I really wish I had my camcorder with me. The reactions from everyone were hilarious. Everybody was just like….”.what the hell?” But, nobody wanted to be mean, so all of us made a big deal about catching the kiss on our cheek. It was almost as surreal as the Chik-Fi-La party. I swear, it was truly priceless.
L, the SIL had just told me on the phone two days before that her pdoc had diagnosed her as BP. Nuh-uh…..not in our club. Besides, she’s not BP, she’s drug addicted psycho.
Finally, it was over. Thank you, Lord!
Everyone had left except my husband, me, my daughter and Jeff Gordon when the waitress came over and said, “That lady didn’t pay her bill. She just walked out.” I said what lady and she said, “That lady who was having a birthday. The one with all the blush on her face”. LMAO We ended up paying her bill. But, ya know what…..it was sooooooo worth it. That was truly a bizarre dinner and will give me and my daughters some good laughs for years to come.
What the hell will happen next? I really don’t know. But, if it’s as weird as this, I’ll be sure to tell ya.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the great mothers that read this.
Not Crazy, just Honest
..we may just really suck at times too.
...but still, please don't steal our words
...really....just_don't.
© BPChicks. 2007-2009
You don't want to end up like Happy Time Harry either
Use the Foreigner Belt to Beat Depression
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